July 2010
1 post
Email exchange with Kim, 12-15-08
(Kim had bought me a Christmas cupcake with a big frosting snowman on top of it, so the cupcake was about five inches tall.)
I wrote to him:
Last night - and I’m not joking - I dreamt I went to get the snowman cupcake out of the fridge and the snowman was gone! Like, completely gone. Just normal white frosting with some streaks of red was left, and I was sooo sad.
When I woke up, I had...
January 2010
6 posts
Got my lab results. Well, I don’t have strep. But turn me over and baste me, because I’m roasting from the inside out.
BTW, the doctor walked in, took one look at me, and said if I didn’t mind, she was NOT going to shake my hand. That bad?
I has a virus. Likely flu. If lab tests show strep present, I get meds; no strep, I get to ride it out. Come on strep!
Going to the doctor in about an hour. I better get fixed, dammit.
The reason I doubt my body is a temple is because a temple has never been this mean to me.
Christmas Snack
Me: [stopping short on our walk at dusk on Christmas as I hear a twig crackle in the brush; a few seconds later, a bird pops out and flies away] Oh, thank god! I was waiting for a mountain lion. There were warning signs posted at the parking lot.
Kim: I think if a mountain lion saw you, he would be frightened by your pink hair.
Me: Or he'd say, "CANDY-COATED DELICIOUS!!!"
September 2009
1 post
Prayer Of The Old Horse
I love this poem, even though it makes me so sad:
See, Lord,
my coat hangs in tatters,
like homespun, old, threadbare.
All that I had of zest,
all my strength,
I have given in hard work
and kept nothing back for myself.
Now
my poor head swings
to offer up all the loneliness of my heart.
Dear God,
stiff on my thickened legs
I stand here before You:
Your unprofitable servant.
Oh! of...
March 2009
13 posts
The Bellfry Is Occupied
Me: My superhero name would totally be Bat Girl, if there weren't one already, dammit.
Kim: You could be Spider Girl.
Me: NO! I don't WANT to be Spider Girl. I want to be about bats. Don't say it...
Kim: You could be Batty Girl.
Me: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY IT.
♫ John Law "Young Lust" →
I love haunting banjo songs. This is a favorite. It somehow manages to be more quietly psychotic and creepy than the original.
To Do...
Me: I think I need to make a to-do list.
woj: #1 on the to-do list: don't lose the to-do list.
Me: But that's #2. #1 is MAKE to-do list.
woj: that's #0!
Zombie Mom
Mom (who is at home, sick): I wasn't home when you called earlier. I had to go to the market to get the drinks for the Lenten supper and take them over to the church. I'm not going to be able to go. I'm too sick. It nearly killed me, wrestling with all the plastic bags and six bottles of soda. And then I locked my purse in the trunk of the car.
Me: Mom, why didn't you tell someone you were too sick to do that?
Mom: Oh, no! I signed up to bring the drinks! It was my job.
Me: Yes, but if you're SICK.... You're allowed to be sick, you know. It happens. You didn't do it on purpose.
Mom: Yes, but I already talked to two other people, and one of them is sick with a cold and SHE had already taken the plates over even though SHE said SHE's not going to be able to go.
Me: Yes, but Mom ... people DO get sick, and if you are SICK, even if you've said you'll do something you need to tell someone you simply CAN'T.
Mom: Oh, I couldn't do that.
Me: Good lord. The day you die, you are going to climb out of your frickin' casket and go to the market.
Mom (laughing): You're probably right.
Me: I KNOW I'm right. You'll rise up, all zombified, and say you have to run get a gallon of milk or return some library books. It never occured to me before, but that IS what's going to happen. No doubt in my mind.
“ Dark Side Of The Moon Brilliant, deep, hopeful, powerful, dark, uplifting,...”
– read more at blippr.com
From The Evil Overlord's Mouth...
Kim: I shouldn't smile. It makes me look less evil.
Me: You look younger when you smile.
Kim: Evil isn't young.
The Last Five Suck Anyway
Me: Mom, have you made an appointment to have that thing on your arm looked at? I'm certain it's a melanoma.
Mom: No, but I promise I will.
Me: Don't mess around, because Kim's dad had that same kind of thing on his foot and he let it go for two years, and it metastasized.
Mom: I promise I'll go.
Me: Because we're not long-lived people, you know.
Mom: What makes you say that?
Me: Did either of your parents or Daddy's parents even live to the age of 70?
Mom: Mmmmm, no ... I don't think so.
Me: Well, you're 75. If you have this taken care of, you just might make it to your 90s and break the curse, and then maybe *I'll* stand a chance of living that long, too.
Mom: Oh, no, you don't want to live into your 90s.
Me: I'm sure that's true. There was something about that on a show I watch... A guy was smoking and offered a cigarette to a girl, and she said no thanks, she had quit smoking because she didn't want five years shaved off her life, and the guy said, "Yeah, but those last five years always suck!" And that's so true!
Mom: Yes, that is true.
Me: I'm thinking Maude in "Harold and Maude" had the right idea. I think I'm gonna off myself when I turn 80.
Mom: No, don't say that!
Me: Ah, okay, I get it. You're just saying that because *you're* gonna be 80 soon. Don't worry, Mom, when you turn 80, I promise I won't put a pillow over your face. Unless you want me to.
Mom: Okay.
Cutest picture on the planet! Jealous. WANT!!! →
Manly Man
Kim: I'm going to the store. Do you need me to get you anything?
Me: Yes!
Kim: Okay, make a list.
Me: Sweetie, I am so so so so so SO sorry ... I have NEVER asked you to do this, ever...
Kim: You're going to ask me to get period stuff, aren't you?
Me: (sheepishly) Um, yeah. But at least everyone will be impressed that you have a girlfriend!
Kim: (laughing)
What’s a Hulu? The Origins of 8 High-Tech Names →
February 2009
13 posts
My Birthday Poem
Aw! Stephen Fry sent me a private birthday poem on Twitter!
Roses are sour, violets are sweet And that’s the end of your birthday tweet
I love it!
[Addendum: Stephen would like it pointed out that this was “an instant silly reply, not an attempt at serious verse!”]
Greg Rutter's Definitive List of The 99 Things You... →
I must be an old loser, because I hadn’t seen some of these, though some are old enough that it’s gonna be the YOUNG losers that haven’t seen them. (The dancing baby? I don’t think many people under 20 would know about that, seeing as how it came out in, what … ‘97, ‘98?)
“Just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells doesn’t mean you...”
– Adam Duritz (via littlemiss) (via cafe) (via marjchun) (via apologies)
WatchWent to get hay at the ranch over the weekend and had this encounter with the ultra-sassy miniature donkey. I nearly peed my pants laughing after turning the camera off. Cheeky monkey!
Sad Head
Me (as we're passing a firetruck stopped in the lane next to us and the men are getting out): Don't hit the firemen jumping into the middle of the street.
Kim: Yeah, I don't want to take their door off.
Me: It's more like their door would rip the roof off the car. And take our heads with it.
Kim: You're probably right.
Me: And it would be ugly. I would cry.
Kim: And then your head would just be lying in the street, crying.
Me: Yeah, and people would feel sorry for me, because my head would be sad.
Wake Up And Smell The Manipulation
Kim (watching a series of late-night commercials for dating chatlines that feature a bunch of slutty desperate girls): It's weird, but these ads all seem like they're targeted at women.
Me: They do?
Kim: Yeah. Usually they're aimed at guys, but these seem to be aimed at convincing women to call, that it's a "great way to meet guys."
Me: Really? You think they're trying to get women to call?
Kim: Yeah, because they all have girls on them talking about how they've met "really great guys" from calling these chat lines.
Me: So lemme see if I understand this reasoning... You think the commercials where the giant-boobed airheads are going, "Mmmmmmm, ooooooooh, I called this chatline and it was sssooooo HOTTTT, mmmmmm!" aren't aimed at making GUYS think if they call these lines, a million lonely and bored former Penthouse Pets are going to be chomping at the bit waiting for all the lonely and bored single guys to call in — because everyone KNOWS slutty girls just can't manage to get dates on their own ... you think those ads are aimed at WOMEN?
Kim: I see your point.
Nesting
Miss B: Feeling bizarrely productive and focused for someone this pregnant. Am taking advantage of it. (Is html a form of nesting?)
Me: It depends ... are you using nested tags?
Miss B: I knew someone would ask me that.
Take A Gambol...
Me (in a post on Precious Things re Tori's new album title): If *I* did an album like this, I'm afraid it would be called "Abnormally Attracted To Sheep." (That's not a joke.)
R (responding privately): As you are the only person I ever heard use the word gambol in a sentence, I know that's true.
Me: I do loves me some gamboling lambs.
A Song For Diblet.
Wednesday was what I refer to...
...Then His Brain 'Sploded
Kid in line behind me in Best Buy: Mama, is that a wig?
Mom (hushed tone): No.
Kid: That's not a wig? SHE HAS PINK HAIR?!?!?